Category Archives: life

What If?

What if….?

This question has lead me back to the heartbeat of a ministry The Lord birthed in my heart over 13 years ago. It began as a drama ministry. I used to write monologue style dramas and perform them at Women’s Events and Student Venues. It was my attempt at 18 to pursue what has always been my passion, acting (I was good at playing a part, but never really tackled the role of being myself until I was much older), paired with a sincere desire to see women’s hearts open up to the unfathomable and unconditional love of God. To give them a safe place to process the deeper truths and application of God’s love into everyday life. I used storytelling to soften the soil of their heart in order for them to open up and give The Lord Soul Access. The only problem was, I hadn’t allowed God Soul Access to my heart yet. I was living in a world of perfectionism,  interchanging masks like a chameleon changes color.

So God had to strip it all away to finally allow the scared little girl to surface. It was a gentle yet brutal journey through the muck to lay down mask after mask and be known fully in my shame so that I could finally understand how deeply I was loved by my Heavenly Father in spite of my sin. Soul Access was a ministry birthed in my heart at the age of 17 for others, but really it was a profound call to lay down my mask and be known as His Beloved. Now 14 years later, it’s been bubbling up to the surface, as another call. A call to create a place where one can be known, and not judged, a place where one could be raw and not rejected, a place where iron sharpens iron and the truth will set us free. This place would be a place where questions can be posed and answers can be found and searched out together. It’s a place where as Jordan Lee Dooley says, “Your brokenness is welcome here.”

So in the spirit of “What if?” here are a few What If questions I’ve been thinking about and just want to throw out there for us to think on. Maybe there’s one of these that sticks out to you, share about it in the comments or maybe you have your own “What If?” to share.

What could it look like? What if?

What if we had a place where we could be vulnerable without judgement?

What if we could lay our masks down safely and be known – fully known?

What if we believed we were loved, just as we are, without feeling like we had to clean up and cover up first?

What if we all could open up our arms and say genuinely, “Your brokenness is welcome here.”

What if we could learn to be the light we are called to be?

What if we could stop worrying about what the world thinks of us?

What if we could take all that energy we spend on worrying and direct it towards prayer for others?

What if we could slow down long enough to really see and hear people?

What if we became better at listening then we are at talking?

What if we could be the change we want to see?

What if we actually opened up a real Bible and marked it up and read it and read it again and again and again?

What if we started seeing ourselves as God sees us? Dearly beloved sons and daughters, whom he cherishes, enjoys and delights in?

What if we could truly get a hold of that love and then spread it all around?

What if we actually believed we are under grace and it is that grace that allows us to grow through our shortcomings and sin and become a new creation through Christ Jesus?

What if we weren’t afraid any more?

What if we actually put on our armor everyday?

What if we actually lived like we were free?

What if we choose hard work and humility over pride and entitlement?

What if chose servanthood instead of self gratification?

What if we chose our marriages and our spouse over empty counterfeit pleasures?

What if we chose contentment in our season of unfulfilled dreams?

What if we chose purpose in our season of loneliness?

What if we chose laughter instead of offense?

What if we stopped chasing after materialism and entertainment and spent time chasing after the Lord and the ones he has placed in our path?

What if we actually lived as holy sons and daughters of the Most High God?

What if we get hurt by being vulnerable and transparent but we were vulnerable and transparent anyway?

What if we actually lived like we are forgiven?

What if we forgave ourselves?

What if we actually give God the trust He deserves?

What if we deeply believed without question that God is good?

What if we believed in God’s character as a loving Father?

What if we stopped believing the uninspired and predictable lies of the devil?

What if we believed the best of people and took them at their word?

What if we stopped assuming?

What if we became quick to forgive and slow to become angry?

What if we were able to be fully, deeply and solely satisfied in Him?

What would happen if we chose joy daily?

What would the world look like if we all gave people a little more soul access?

What if we surrendered completely and gave God complete soul access?


What if… we actually lived by the Spirit, maybe the world would be a much different place and our hearts would be a little more fully known and we could find our smiles a bit quicker. Maybe people would feel and know their worth in the midst of their brokenness – cause baby we are all broken and in need of fixin and only Jesus can do that.

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The Secret to Being Sexy – A Response to video “Makeup Fake Sexy Body”

Today I participated in a typical pass time, an all to frequent one, the endless scroll through my Facebook feed. All together bored, and too complacent to do something meaningful, I looked to Facebook for entertainment. Next thing I know I’m watching this video titled, “Makeup Fake Sexy Body” (click here to view the video I’m referencing).

I found myself sucked into the mastery of this makeup artist’s talent and the insanity of it all, along with millions of other viewers, who’ve liked, shared and commented on this heartbreaking reality. As I watched quite literally appalled, I became more and more heartbroken that this is what young girls and women are preoccupied with – creating illusions and buying into the lie that says, “This is sexy”. In it’s very own title it exposes the fact that it’s fake; therefore, it’s very intent is to deceive, it’s the deceiving of others but more importantly it’s the deceiving of self. In a world of everyday contouring, neck highlights, fake eyelashes and crop tops displaying fake abs, it’s easy to get lost in the world’s standard of beauty, because if Selena Gomez does it, then it must be sexy. Everywhere I look I see women hiding their true selves from the world, tucking their shame, insecurities and their authentic selves behind the masks they so desperately cling to. A flawless contour will never be able to cover up the condition of one’s soul and the more layers one applies, the more difficult it is to be known; which isn’t that every heart’s deepest desire – to be be known fully and to be loved in spite of it?

I haven’t been able to have children yet, but I think about my unborn babies all the time, I dream of who they will become and how I will help them discover their true selves. I think about my future daughter and how she’s going to be watching me, what will I be teaching her without realizing it? What will my son learn from me about true beauty and how to recognize it in his future spouse?

I was a child, my mom took her seat at the vanity to prep for her weekly date night with my dad, and I took my seat at her feet, watching her every move. She began applying her foundation, quickly blending her blush. That shimmery stuff she called eyeshadow I wasn’t supposed to touch went on next, and then came that black stuff in a tube they call mascara. Her mouth moved around in a funny way as she brushed that stuff on and then a nice shade of pink on the lips polished it all off. She frequently ended the ritual with a satisfied, “That’s good enough!” and in 10 minutes or less she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I remember thinking, ‘If only I could look like that when I grow up’.

Well, I’m all grown up now and have long since mastered the art of applying makeup. I love the stuff, it’s fun to play with and it’s extremely useful on those days where half an eyebrow is just not cutting it. Yet, every time I sit down to do my makeup, I’m often reminded of that little girl watching her mom and I now realize my mom was teaching me something much more valuable than where to apply blush. She taught me the secret to being sexy.

The secret lies in verses 3-5 of 1 Peter chapter 3. “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God…”

Here’s the deal, hair and makeup, clothes and jewelry, they are all super fun and completely ok. I love it all. Where I think we can struggle is when we become “concerned” as 1 Peter says, or preoccupied with them that we neglect what’s most important, which is our inner beauty. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Beauty Fades” but what doesn’t fade is the condition of our soul. That lives on, no matter what. In hindsight, it was the condition of my mom’s soul, the years she attended to her inner beauty that gave her the courage to approach each day with a, “Good enough” to the outside shell. And for the little girl watching, it is a great source of encouragement for when I face the mirror each day.

See I wasn’t just watching my mom put on her makeup.
I  watched her get up every morning and spend hours with the Lord in prayer and study Scripture.
I watched her commit to and care for her marriage.
I watched her sacrifice and pour herself out for her children.
I watched her love.
I watched her trust.
I watched her be brave.
I watched her mentor.
I watched her listen.
I watched her give.
I watched her laugh at herself and the days to come.
I watched her hurt and choose to let go of hate.
I watched her scared and choose to surrender fear.
I watched her choose joy.
I watched her care.
I watched her participate.
I watched her be passionate.
I watched her humility.
I watched her tired and choose to face each day anyway.
I watched her be broken and walk towards healing.
I watched her cry and choose to be vulnerable.
I watched her live.

And I as I continue to watch my mom live her life surrendered, putting her trust in God, I have learned that the secret to being sexy isn’t in hiding, it’s in laying down your mask in utter confidence that you will be exposed and in doing so you will surely be known. And in that single act of bravery, daring to believe that you are loved just as you are by the God that sees you, the real you and says, “That’s my girl, I love you.”

And beloved isn’t that the greatest thing of all? To be be known fully and to be loved in spite of it?

So let’s embrace the idea of “Good Enough” and stop clinging to our brushes and contour kits; trading in fake sexy for true beauty. Confidently resting in the grace of the fact that we are loved by our Creator, because somewhere there is a little girl watching.

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29 Things My Life Has Taught Me

29.

29 years is how long I’ve now been on this earth and it is has been beautiful and brutal all at the same time – as Glennon Doyle Melton says, “It’s Brutiful”…

How do you sum up 29 years in a few paragraphs? You can’t really. So I’ve decided to make a list – a truth list of the 29 things that my brutiful life has taught me.

  1. My parents are a gift from God – not only did He use them to bring me into this world but His sovereign grace allowed me to be raised by two beautifully imperfect people who taught me how to love Jesus with all my heart, how to dream big – they always told me I could be anybody I wanted to be, and they showed me what it looks like to live a life of loving sacrifice and obedience to the Lord. They also taught me how to have a lot of fun!
  2. Honesty is truly the best policy – There is no other way to live. I love this quote by Mother Teresa, “Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” I’ve come to understand through my own journey that behind every mask is a beautiful wretched soul that is desperate to be known. Transparency is the key to our growth and healing and might even help someone else out along the way.
  3. Quality friendships are key – Life is way more fun with them and the bumpy, rocky, horrendous seasons require them.
  4. My mother was right – skin does lose it’s elasticity – seriously! Gravity is real!
  5. You will grow facial hair – the growth is insane!
  6. Tears are healthy – it’s extremely healthy – crying is like a shower for your soul.
  7. Laughter is life – find a reason to laugh multiple times a day it truly is the best medicine. I like to think it’s God’s love language.
  8. Marriage is hard and wonderful – Our fairytale ending can only be found in the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, no earthly relationship will fulfill our deepest desires to be known – they can only give us glimpses of the real deal – however hard marriage is, it’s so worth it.
  9. Short of sending His Son to die for me, my husband is one of God’s greatest love gifts to me  – Micah truly you are His tangible love and grace in my life.
  10. I will always be a Starbucks girl – it’s just the way it is – though, I now have a new appreciation for cold brew.
  11. Food and I will always have a complex relationship – I’m learning how to make it a healthy one, instead of a crippling one. But my weight does not and will never define me – I am the beloved daughter of the one true King – that is my identity, not a number on a scale.
  12. Sometimes you’ve got to put a little Mt. Dew in your wine – don’t worry it was white.
  13. Life sucks sometimes – live it anyway – there are things that happen in this life that I will never understand, but it’s not my job to understand, or even ask why – it’s to trust and ask “what?”
  14. I want kids and all that comes with it! – Never tell me, “Just wait till you have kids” – most hurtful phrase anyone could ever say to me. I have been waiting for 5 years – and I have counted all the costs, experienced all the loss, waited and tried, waited and tried again and still ache for babies of my own. One of my deepest struggles is to keep hoping and trusting. God knows what He is doing even if I don’t understand.
  15. Vacations are not a luxury they are a necessity – even if it’s camping – get away at least once a year, it’s so healthy and so worth it.
  16. Family is everything – don’t dismiss them, take extreme care with these relationships, sometimes friends can be family too, everyone’s picture is different but none the less handle with care.
  17. I will always be a “sweater” – Put me in a freezer, the desert is my personal hell
  18. School was worth it – so grateful for the grace to persevere through that challenge, it’s such an awesome accomplishment and it taught me to keep fighting, and never give up.
  19. You might experience balding – I have to admit this one knocked me on my ass and I’m still trying to get back up.
  20. Do the things that scare you – life is so much more fulfilling when you do things that require you to trust big.
  21. Bring beauty into your world whenever possible – a bouquet of flowers will go a long way to brightening up a gloomy day – here in Seattle we have plenty of those.
  22. Clinical depression is not a death sentence – don’t let it steal your purpose, your joy, your drive, your reason for existing. Fight and fight some more. Get out of bed, live on purpose, be about others – it’s the cure, take a shower, never give in to it’s grip and open up the blinds.
  23. Write – it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, the gift of self-reflection, go on a journey to get to know yourself better, it will help you get to know the Lord in a more intimate way and to be a more compassionate human being.
  24. Give what you have – it’s always more than enough, your time, your finances, yourself, your talents, give it all and watch what God does in and through you because He’s God.
  25. Forgive – It’s one of the most powerful forces on this earth. Receive it, give it and know it – God’s forgiveness of my sins is the reason I cannot, will not withhold forgiveness from anyone on this earth. I don’t deserve it, they don’t deserve it, no one deserves it, that’s what makes it so beautiful.
  26. My pets are my children – it’s ok if you don’t get it, I do. In the meantime #sorrynotsorry for all the Instagram pics of the fur babies.
  27. Sometimes you’ll get a bad haircut – it’s not the end of the world, really. Take a day to mourn and then get on with your life.
  28. Be present – in all things, in all conversations, in every moment. Put down the phone.
  29. I don’t know anything really – oh except that I will probably always struggle with spelling #thestruggleisreal oh… and I hate hashtags #butiusethemsarcastically
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