3am. Wide-awake, can’t sleep, something in me is fighting to get out. Words tumble around in my head like articles of clothing on spin cycle, too fast to keep track of, but one-word pushes it’s way to the surface…
“Why does it matter?” I argue with the thought.
I used to blog, I loved writing. I guess you could say it was a form of therapy for me, but to be honest I didn’t know what I was writing about, whom I was writing to, or why it even mattered, in fact I didn’t even know how to write the truth. That was 5 years ago. Of course I have written a few things here and there between now and then, but all those thoughts have been safely tucked away in my journal, entries of deep pain and emotional outpouring as the Lord drew me closer to Him.
“I don’t have time to write…why would it matter anyway?” Tossing left and right, I continue the one sided conversation with myself.
For 3 years now I have been in full time school, working anywhere from 2-3 jobs (which includes running my own business), volunteering at my church and attempting to balance my marriage, friendships, family and personal goals…like I said, attempting. Needless to say it has been a lot to manage. So when I say I don’t have time, I really don’t have time, I barely sleep as it is. Yet, why do I feel so compelled to make time?
Get up. Write.
“I’m tired, I can’t afford to lose sleep, besides, why does it matter? No one has time to take out of their busy schedules to read my 3am ramblings.” The argument continues.
For the last few years I have been on a journey of finding myself. For over half of my life I didn’t know who I was. I was a chameleon, camouflaging and disguising my true feelings beneath a counterfeit smile. So skillfully crafted at hiding, no one knew the turmoil raging within. I spent years creating the perfect exterior, rehearsing what I thought people wanted me to say or expected me to do, I lived in full on behavior modification mode. Yet, the hate I had for myself was so strong I couldn’t receive love from others or accept the unconditional love of Jesus because I didn’t understand how anyone could love the real me; that little girl hiding in the shadows, terrified she would be exposed as a fraud and all her ugly would be revealed.
“I’m not listening, I’m not listening, la la la la la la” At this point I know I’ll be getting up to write within the next 30 seconds.
The thing I’ve come to learn about God’s voice is 1. He never speaks when it’s convenient for you, 2. He whispers at just the right volume so you know it’s not your own voice, 3. He is extremely persistent, 4. When he says it 3 times or more, it’s important and you better listen, 5. You don’t argue with Him, you just obey.
“Ok, ok…I get it, you want me to write.” I’ve become accustomed to the Lord’s voice and I always regret when I choose to ignore Him. Of course He always seems to speak loudest at 3am.
So here I am writing. Why? I’m not sure, except that He asked me to, so I am obeying. I do know that God has called me to pour back out what He has so graciously poured into me, through His word and the tangible love of others. He invited that little girl in the shadows to step out into the light to dance freely and rest secure in His fatherly delight. I believe He is inviting you as well, to step out of the shadows, leave fear and doubt behind and rest in His unconditional love. Perhaps if you take my hand we can go on a journey together, seeking to stay in His light.
One thing I do know is that writing is a great tool that the Lord uses to shape us, mold us and grow us into His likeness. I am grateful to so many people who took the time, when they didn’t have it, to sit down and write the truth about what God was showing them, or share their struggles and pain along the journey. It is important that we all take time to encourage and uplift each other along the way and for me that is what starting this blog is all about. I don’t have the luxury to sit down with every person I care about and chat for 2 hours over coffee. However, I can take 2 hours out of my week and share here what God is teaching me, what kinds of things I’m learning and just simply share my heart with each and every person that comes across this blog. Perhaps along the way we can encourage one another, and be a little more intentionally connected than just slapping a quick “like” on a Facebook status update.
Write. Try it, it’s actually quite liberating.