Tag Archives: mom

Mustard Seed Miracle

For 10 years we prayed for you, tried for you, and wept at the thought of never knowing you. For 10 years we received promise after promise from God that one day we would hold you. And now miracle baby you can know without a shadow of a doubt that you were wanted, loved, and predestined to come into this world for such a time as this.

This is not the typical “We’re having a baby” announcement, but our story has never been typical…for those who want to know more, the journey is detailed below.

My Story:

Infertility is a painful road. This is an encouragement for all the invisible aching women. I see you. For every Mother’s Day that passes and your arms remain empty. For every test you throw away because there was only one line. For every long cycle that leaves you guessing if you’re actually pregnant or your body is just playing tricks on you again. For every pain from PCOS or endometriosis that robs you of your birthright as a woman. For every baby shower you attend with a forced smile. For every child you long to hold and snuggle but can’t. For every friendship that’s shifted because they have 3 kids now and you still have none. For every marriage relationship that’s strained because the pain is just too great. For every insensitive comment you endure because they don’t understand. For every day you puke for no reason, or bleed nonstop for months on end. For all the procedures and endless doctor’s appointments that yield bleak results. For all the things I never had to endure like infertility treatments, miscarriages and stillbirths. For every lie you believe that this is your fault. This story is for you. Because the strongest piece of encouragement I ever received in my journey was “If you can’t hope right now, I’ll stand in that gap and hope for you.”

So many times I was tempted to believe that it was my fault we couldn’t get pregnant. After all it was my body that seemed to be broken. But in 2016 I received what seemed like a random phone call from a dear lady who had heard from the Lord regarding me (she did not know the shame I had been wrestling with and had not spoken to me in years). She said, “The Lord wants you to know this is not your fault and He will heal you and set you free.”

Fast forward 1 year later in 2017 I was praying about our future children and family specifically asking the Lord for the desires of my heart and I heard a word I’d never heard before drop into my spirit, “Eliyanah” which later I looked up and it is Hebrew for “God has answered me”. I’ve cherished that moment for the last few years as it was such a personal gesture of love from my Lord.

9 months later in 2018 I was at Hillsong Color Conference and they were speaking on infertility. They shared that in the last year 256 miracle babies had been born since the previous year’s conference when women struggling with infertility had been specifically prayed over. The girl sitting in front of me approached me afterwards asking if I knew someone who was struggling with getting pregnant. When I told her my story she said relieved, “Oh good I heard from the Lord correctly – He wanted you to know this miracle is for you too.” She then told me her and her husband had tried for 9 years and ended up adopting from foster care and that she had just found out she was pregnant the previous weekend. She had been wearing a lightbulb necklace with a mustard seed in it for 9 years to remind her of Jesus’ words in Luke 17:6. She told me it was my turn to wear the necklace (the necklace I made from the lightbulb is pictured above)

Later that week I was prayed over by a dear friend and my mother. I received complete healing and deliverance from PCOS and Endometriosis – I know this because I felt an intense heat throughout my abdomen and reproductive system (The Holy Spirit is often described and associated with fire in the Bible) and for the last 2 years i have had normal cycles and no endo pain (I hadn’t had normal cycles for my entire life and had lived in excruciating pain for years from endo that resulted in 2 surgeries). God completely healed me that day. He had been faithful to pour hope into my barrenness throughout the entire 10 years of infertility – these are only a handful of moments out of countless where He would breathe life into my sails when I had sunk deep into despair.

Fast forward to December 2019. We now had 4 children in our home from foster care whose adoptions were just around the corner and SURPRISE! We were no longer trying and had tucked that promise from God up on a shelf where it was collecting dust. We never planned to have 5 children but God had other plans. We’re overwhelmed at his faithfulness.

For as long as I’ve struggled in this area I’ve always only wanted to do one thing, shout God’s glory from the mountain tops and proclaim His goodness and love through every ounce of suffering. Because y’all He is WORTHY! Even if I had never seen and experienced this miracle in my body He is still good and it’s way to easy to forget that. My only hope in sharing this journey in such detail is that it will encourage you to walk in faith, believe in miracles again – because I literally have one growing inside of me, and no matter your struggle don’t lose sight of hope because it is rooted in the Father’s love for you. YOU ARE LOVED BELOVED!!! Believe it, Rest in it, and Live it. (1 Peter 3:15, 1 Corinthians 13:13)

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Fighting for the “Happy” in Happy Mother’s Day

Infertile Woman

Mother’s Day is always prefaced with the word, “Happy”… what a sweet word, what a sweet gesture, wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day is what is socially expected, it’s what should be done. It’s what I do, and I want to mean it, today I did, but only because I chose it.

I chose “Happy”… but not without a fight, not without shedding some tears. Sometime’s “Happy” has to be redefined, sometimes “Happy” is fought for.

For those fighting for “Happy” I felt compelled to let you know I “see” you.

I am you.

You are not alone.

And for those who have no idea what I am talking about… if you will, let me help you “see” it.

What about that mom that waited 42 weeks to see her unborn child’s sweet face, only to be told that her “Happy” will be holding his lifeless body in her arms for a few short hours before having to say goodbye?

What about that mom whose child ran away and her “Happy” would just be knowing they are alive somewhere and safe?

What about the children whose mom is riddled with Alzheimer’s and their “Happy” was having her recognize them for a fleeting moment before she slipped away again?

What about the children who ache for their mom because she was taken too early, what if their “Happy” is remembering the person she was?

What about the relationships that are estranged? What’s their “Happy”?

What about the women like me? The women that ache in silence, for fear of being pitied. The women who discreetly watch from a distance as all their friends bring new life into this world, while they are inwardly tormented by the fact that their body doesn’t work right. These women fight back tears as another Facebook friend posts an ultrasound picture, a Pinterest worthy announcement titled “we’re expecting”, growing tummies and shower invitations. Women who wait patiently every month, only to be overcome with grief each time they see one line instead of two. Women who beg to a merciful God to at least remove the desire so it will be more bearable.

Women who bravely navigate the questions, ‘So…when are you two going to start having kids?’ ‘Will we be expecting any grand babies soon?’ ‘Do you want children?’ ‘Wow you’ve been married 9 years? Isn’t it about time you start having kids?’ ‘Aren’t you just so happy for her?’

Women who constantly have to use self-control so they don’t slap people who are simply careless. ‘I hate kids, they are so annoying, I can’t stand them.’ ‘Just wait till you’re a mom.’ ‘You’ll understand once you have kids of your own.’ ‘You never know! You could be pregnant.’ ‘I never wanted this.’ ‘You don’t know how good you have it.’ ‘Just stop trying and it will happen.’

For as long as I can remember all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. I never knew how much heartache that desire would bring. For 5 years I have watched from a distance, I’ve felt bitterness, anger, despair, hopelessness, contempt, condemnation, fear, hatred, sorrow and indescribable pain.

But…

I have also felt deep joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and an immovable faith has been chiseled out of all that pain. Jesus has never once abandoned me and in all that waiting I have found him to be everything I need and have lacked in my own flesh.

My “Happy” is a choice. It’s choosing joy. It’s choosing to continue to hope. It’s pressing on even when I’m hurting. It’s finding purposeful things to do with my time. It’s looking for ways to bless and encourage others. It’s being present, even when I want to hide.

“Happy” comes when you start asking “What?” not “Why?”

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be a mom some day, it just might look a little different then what I had always pictured.

And in the meantime, I am fighting…

Fighting for “Happy”

So I can say this truthfully and genuinely, to all the Mothers in my life, Happy Mother’s Day. And to all my sisters whose arms are aching like mine, the most beautiful thing anyone ever said to me and I say it to you now, “If you can’t hope right now, I will hope for you.”

 

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