Tag Archives: questions

What If?

What if….?

This question has lead me back to the heartbeat of a ministry The Lord birthed in my heart over 13 years ago. It began as a drama ministry. I used to write monologue style dramas and perform them at Women’s Events and Student Venues. It was my attempt at 18 to pursue what has always been my passion, acting (I was good at playing a part, but never really tackled the role of being myself until I was much older), paired with a sincere desire to see women’s hearts open up to the unfathomable and unconditional love of God. To give them a safe place to process the deeper truths and application of God’s love into everyday life. I used storytelling to soften the soil of their heart in order for them to open up and give The Lord Soul Access. The only problem was, I hadn’t allowed God Soul Access to my heart yet. I was living in a world of perfectionism,  interchanging masks like a chameleon changes color.

So God had to strip it all away to finally allow the scared little girl to surface. It was a gentle yet brutal journey through the muck to lay down mask after mask and be known fully in my shame so that I could finally understand how deeply I was loved by my Heavenly Father in spite of my sin. Soul Access was a ministry birthed in my heart at the age of 17 for others, but really it was a profound call to lay down my mask and be known as His Beloved. Now 14 years later, it’s been bubbling up to the surface, as another call. A call to create a place where one can be known, and not judged, a place where one could be raw and not rejected, a place where iron sharpens iron and the truth will set us free. This place would be a place where questions can be posed and answers can be found and searched out together. It’s a place where as Jordan Lee Dooley says, “Your brokenness is welcome here.”

So in the spirit of “What if?” here are a few What If questions I’ve been thinking about and just want to throw out there for us to think on. Maybe there’s one of these that sticks out to you, share about it in the comments or maybe you have your own “What If?” to share.

What could it look like? What if?

What if we had a place where we could be vulnerable without judgement?

What if we could lay our masks down safely and be known – fully known?

What if we believed we were loved, just as we are, without feeling like we had to clean up and cover up first?

What if we all could open up our arms and say genuinely, “Your brokenness is welcome here.”

What if we could learn to be the light we are called to be?

What if we could stop worrying about what the world thinks of us?

What if we could take all that energy we spend on worrying and direct it towards prayer for others?

What if we could slow down long enough to really see and hear people?

What if we became better at listening then we are at talking?

What if we could be the change we want to see?

What if we actually opened up a real Bible and marked it up and read it and read it again and again and again?

What if we started seeing ourselves as God sees us? Dearly beloved sons and daughters, whom he cherishes, enjoys and delights in?

What if we could truly get a hold of that love and then spread it all around?

What if we actually believed we are under grace and it is that grace that allows us to grow through our shortcomings and sin and become a new creation through Christ Jesus?

What if we weren’t afraid any more?

What if we actually put on our armor everyday?

What if we actually lived like we were free?

What if we choose hard work and humility over pride and entitlement?

What if chose servanthood instead of self gratification?

What if we chose our marriages and our spouse over empty counterfeit pleasures?

What if we chose contentment in our season of unfulfilled dreams?

What if we chose purpose in our season of loneliness?

What if we chose laughter instead of offense?

What if we stopped chasing after materialism and entertainment and spent time chasing after the Lord and the ones he has placed in our path?

What if we actually lived as holy sons and daughters of the Most High God?

What if we get hurt by being vulnerable and transparent but we were vulnerable and transparent anyway?

What if we actually lived like we are forgiven?

What if we forgave ourselves?

What if we actually give God the trust He deserves?

What if we deeply believed without question that God is good?

What if we believed in God’s character as a loving Father?

What if we stopped believing the uninspired and predictable lies of the devil?

What if we believed the best of people and took them at their word?

What if we stopped assuming?

What if we became quick to forgive and slow to become angry?

What if we were able to be fully, deeply and solely satisfied in Him?

What would happen if we chose joy daily?

What would the world look like if we all gave people a little more soul access?

What if we surrendered completely and gave God complete soul access?


What if… we actually lived by the Spirit, maybe the world would be a much different place and our hearts would be a little more fully known and we could find our smiles a bit quicker. Maybe people would feel and know their worth in the midst of their brokenness – cause baby we are all broken and in need of fixin and only Jesus can do that.

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Fighting for the “Happy” in Happy Mother’s Day

Infertile Woman

Mother’s Day is always prefaced with the word, “Happy”… what a sweet word, what a sweet gesture, wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day is what is socially expected, it’s what should be done. It’s what I do, and I want to mean it, today I did, but only because I chose it.

I chose “Happy”… but not without a fight, not without shedding some tears. Sometime’s “Happy” has to be redefined, sometimes “Happy” is fought for.

For those fighting for “Happy” I felt compelled to let you know I “see” you.

I am you.

You are not alone.

And for those who have no idea what I am talking about… if you will, let me help you “see” it.

What about that mom that waited 42 weeks to see her unborn child’s sweet face, only to be told that her “Happy” will be holding his lifeless body in her arms for a few short hours before having to say goodbye?

What about that mom whose child ran away and her “Happy” would just be knowing they are alive somewhere and safe?

What about the children whose mom is riddled with Alzheimer’s and their “Happy” was having her recognize them for a fleeting moment before she slipped away again?

What about the children who ache for their mom because she was taken too early, what if their “Happy” is remembering the person she was?

What about the relationships that are estranged? What’s their “Happy”?

What about the women like me? The women that ache in silence, for fear of being pitied. The women who discreetly watch from a distance as all their friends bring new life into this world, while they are inwardly tormented by the fact that their body doesn’t work right. These women fight back tears as another Facebook friend posts an ultrasound picture, a Pinterest worthy announcement titled “we’re expecting”, growing tummies and shower invitations. Women who wait patiently every month, only to be overcome with grief each time they see one line instead of two. Women who beg to a merciful God to at least remove the desire so it will be more bearable.

Women who bravely navigate the questions, ‘So…when are you two going to start having kids?’ ‘Will we be expecting any grand babies soon?’ ‘Do you want children?’ ‘Wow you’ve been married 9 years? Isn’t it about time you start having kids?’ ‘Aren’t you just so happy for her?’

Women who constantly have to use self-control so they don’t slap people who are simply careless. ‘I hate kids, they are so annoying, I can’t stand them.’ ‘Just wait till you’re a mom.’ ‘You’ll understand once you have kids of your own.’ ‘You never know! You could be pregnant.’ ‘I never wanted this.’ ‘You don’t know how good you have it.’ ‘Just stop trying and it will happen.’

For as long as I can remember all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. I never knew how much heartache that desire would bring. For 5 years I have watched from a distance, I’ve felt bitterness, anger, despair, hopelessness, contempt, condemnation, fear, hatred, sorrow and indescribable pain.

But…

I have also felt deep joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and an immovable faith has been chiseled out of all that pain. Jesus has never once abandoned me and in all that waiting I have found him to be everything I need and have lacked in my own flesh.

My “Happy” is a choice. It’s choosing joy. It’s choosing to continue to hope. It’s pressing on even when I’m hurting. It’s finding purposeful things to do with my time. It’s looking for ways to bless and encourage others. It’s being present, even when I want to hide.

“Happy” comes when you start asking “What?” not “Why?”

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be a mom some day, it just might look a little different then what I had always pictured.

And in the meantime, I am fighting…

Fighting for “Happy”

So I can say this truthfully and genuinely, to all the Mothers in my life, Happy Mother’s Day. And to all my sisters whose arms are aching like mine, the most beautiful thing anyone ever said to me and I say it to you now, “If you can’t hope right now, I will hope for you.”

 

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